I've spent the last two days thinking about how to conceptualise and
bring across something that bothers me. Actually, it only bothers me
sometimes - the rest of the time it's really quite fascinating.
Fascinating not in a "wow, that's amazing" kinda way, but more in a
"this is an interesting phenomenon, it makes sense mostly, but
sometimes it puzzles me" way. I'm talking about the human propensity to
want to interact with others, above all other things.
Back in my first year at varsity, I wrote an essay entitled "The
fundamental flaw" (I've since lost it, unfortunately). I believed "the
flaw", in essence, to be the human fear of the unknown. Fear of the
unknown is what makes darkness scary, what stops most people from
becoming entrepreneurs, what makes good horror movies (the ones you
never see the monster in), and what in many instances links people up
in "relationships". No, I'm not a cynical fool, hear me out…
Consider the concept of being "single":
People don't like being alone. It scares the hell out of them. So
much, in fact, that they'll do almost anything to avoid it. They'll
"date", they'll go to elaborate lengths to "meet new people", they'll
hang around in clubs and bars, they'll ask their friends to make
introductions for them, they'll "network". Heck, a lot of the
activities they engage in contribute significantly to the economy - a
lot of time, money and effort (all proxies for each other) is spent
avoiding the "alone" situation. Now I can't change the world in a day,
so I won't try to. What I would however like to do is criticise
conformity to this machine. I loathe conformity for it's own sake. If
you've been reading my stuff for a while, you'll know that. It hacks me
off.
Lately, I've been realising more and more that the concept of
"dating" just doesn't do it for me. At all. Why? Because it's
symptomatic of conformity. Most people have heard that men and women
meet, have drinks, eat out, sleep together, live together, and
eventually get married and have offspring, so they investigate the
process. They'll consciously put in the effort to find and evaluate
potential partners, follow along the defined path, and eventually end
up in the same position as everyone else before them. Principally, this
hacks me off not because I'm not part of this wonderfully natural
process (and thus I'm not getting any), but because I hate to see the
human spirit limited by unimaginative drudgery. To me, this process
just screams "drudgery"… Maybe I am just a cynical bastard,
and I'm fully aware that thinking this way makes me some sort of
"outcast" in the eyes of society, but I'm sick and tired of conformity
for conformity's sake, and I'm sick and tired of being asked "you're
such a nice guy, why don't you have a girlfriend?"
No, I don't, OK? I never have. Fundamentally, I don’t want to
actively pursue it. At times, instinct has driven me to investigate the
"dating" process, but I've always felt disgusted with myself
afterwards. It feels crappy interrogating someone else for the sake of
finding out whether they offer some degree of "compatibility". It's
artificial, and I hate artificiality. The process lacks imagination,
which is just stupid. To be honest, most people bore me. If you're
reading this, you're probably not one of them, so don't take offense.
I
don't mind not having a woman by my side. Sure, I sometimes
wonder what it would be like, and it tickles my curiosity, but
fundamentally I don't mind being on my own. I'm just not interested in
"having a social life", and it felt as if I needed to get that point
across. I'm dedicated to a cause of my own. The purpose isn't always
totally clear, but I'm getting more confident about it as time passes.
As a principle, I'm tickled by people who have causes of their
own. By people with intense purpose, by people who have a real
dedication to something in their lives - not to "living life" (because
that's pretty much a given, as unromantic as it sounds) - but to
intensely constructive achievement of some sort. On rare occasions, I
encounter these kinds of people.
What am I getting at? Trying to force myself to spend time with
women (and actively going out to meet them) because it’s supposed to be
natural seems like a complete contradiction. It feels weird, and I've
decided to stick by my gut feel and not do things that feel weird. If,
by remote chance, I encounter a girl who doesn't bore me, I'll let her
know. If I don't, that's just the way things are.
Now you know.